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September 2013

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Transformers 3: Show Me Your Backsides and Call it A Moon



Make no mistake. I was hardly expecting a cinematic masterpiece when I decided to see this film. After all, it’s based on a line of Hasbro toys. Heck, I don’t even think I saw the second one (Transformers 2: Revenge of The I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up), because the first installment left me feeling all root-canal-ly. 

But after all the positive buzz for this latest film, I was feeling frisky and easy.  I decided to unlock my chastity belt and let Director Michael Bay ravage me one more time. I even sprung for the popcorn myself. After all, this movie is being hailed as the best of the threesome.

Hmmm. That’s like saying Charles Mansion is better than Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy, because he didn’t snack on his victims or dress like an evil clown. I still wouldn’t want to be set up on a blind date with him, let alone meet the family. Yeah, I know this comparison is a tad melodramatic and unfair (to the killers, that is), but this movie just didn’t do it for me.

The plot (Hah!)  goes something like this: Shia LaBeouf, (pronounced LeGoof) who plays Sam NitPicky (or is it Sam WikiPedia, whatever), after having saved the world twice before, can’t seem to find a job. Given Shia’s acting chops, this should come as no surprise. If only reality could imitate art (more like F-ART in this case).

Before you know it, the Autobots (We’ll call’em the Good Transformers) led by Prime Rib and Bumble Bee Tuna, have to…wait for it…shock of all shocks…fight the bad Transformers, known as Decepticons—as in Deceived and Conned, which is what I felt like after plunking down $15 bucks for this.

These dastardly villains are led by Mega-Con and Shlockwave in a plot that revolves around a big conspiracy involving the super secret reason we sent astronauts up to the moon in 1969. The “film makers” (and I use the term as loosely as diarrheal stool) even stoop to using archival footage of Presidents Kennedy and Nixon, as well as Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, to further this conspiracy plot, and these historic figures are probably rolling over in their graves…Oops! Aldrin is still living. Didn’t mean to be a Buzz kill. Get it? Cough-Cough.

Gone from the franchise is fired Megan “I don’t know when to keep my trap shut” Fox (crushed—NOT!), replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whitely, as new love interest, Carly (Who Dat??). After all, Shia needs a hot model love interest that’s three feet taller than him (Seeing them standing next to each other onscreen reminded me of Chelsea Lately and Chuy). 

John Malkovich (as Sam’s new  and unhinged boss, Bruce Brazos) and Frances McDormand (as bug-up-her-butt government agent Mearing) are truly wasted in this film (actually, maybe they were literally wasted when they agreed to appear in this), and Patrick Dempsey goes from McDreamy to McCrappy in three seconds flat as Carly’s snobby boss, Dylan.

I suppose children might enjoy this, as well as intellectually challenged and/or inebriated adults. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a movie snob and I can be a big kid at times. And I’m definitely open to movies based on toys …uh…(don’t even go there!), but 2 ½ hours of cringe-worthy dialogue and endless explosions gets old faster than all of Hef’s posse (That’s P-O-S-S-E!). There’s maybe a half an hour of this flick I enjoyed, right around the time of a betrayal scene I won’t spoil. But in the end, when it mercifully came, it felt like I’d been the one betrayed.

I normally advise readers to stay during the end credit sequence for additional scenes, but in this case, why prolong anyone’s agony? I may be a cynic but I’m not downright cruel! And besides, no matter what I say, this flick’s gonna make a bazillion catrillion dollars anyway…sigh.

Until next time, when I keep The Reels, REAL!


Comments

was not planning to see this one anyway, thanks for the validation!

Let's be fair

i understand your opinion, but to those of us out here who consider the franchise a flirtatious visit to a TV cartoon world that wants to be a comic-book world, this movie was entertaining. Also, as a Star Trek geek, I enjoyed Leonard Nimoy's character ... (won't say more there.) I also thought the use of old news clips and the animatronic JFK were hilarious -- I hope they weren't going for an Academy Award with that. To me it was a hoot! Of course, I wasn't expecting much. I guess that's the key. It was entertaining as a cartoon and the 3D was pretty cool -- not many gimmicky jabs into the audience but it gave a good sense of depth to the scenes in the moon.

Re: Let's be fair

Actually, I was being fair. And if film makers keep pandering to audiences who are not "expecting much," THAT is what we are going to continue to get...

Re: Let's be fair

So true. Forgive me for being willing to settle. Maybe that's my problem.