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September 2013

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The New Harry Potter Movie: You Always Remember Your Last Time!

I debated whether or not I should share my opinion about a film that’s review proof. I mean, really. No matter what I say, people are going to flock to the theaters like The Birds to a Tippi Hedren buffet.  In the end, the attention whore within got the best of me. But I’ll keep this review as short as Paris Hilton’s musical recording career (Stars are Blind, anyone? If only they were deaf).

Most of you are already familiar with the storyline of the Harry Potter book and film series that has captivated millions around the globe for over a decade. That is, unless you’ve been living under a rock, been comatose, or homeschooled by people who think J.K. Rowling is the Antichrist herself, sent to indoctrinate their children into a world of evil, witchcraft and demons. I mean, who cares if Rowling motivated millions of kids, and adults, to read through her enchanting stories? Hell is apparently filled with literate people, unlike the other place.  Whom would you rather spend eternity with?

For those who simply haven’t gotten around to reading or seeing the films for whatever reason, I’ve prepared this handy reference guide to the previous entries:

1) Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stoned

2) Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secretions

3) Harry Potter and The Prisoner of AssGrabbin

4) Harry Potter and The Gonads on Fire

5) Harry Potter and The Order of the Kleenex

6) Harry Potter and The Full-Blood Prince Albert

7) Harry Potter and The Completely Swallows

Oops. My Bad. I was looking at a <cough> <cough> different list for my collection.

This latest release of the epic film conclusion, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2: The Golden Cash Cow, is exciting, very dark and filled with more twists and turns than the Casey Anthony trial, except with a much more satisfying ending.

I won’t say too much about the plot here, except that it revolves around Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and his besties, Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) & Hermoine Granger (Emma Watson), who are searching for the remainder of the seven WhoreCrusties that will enable them to destroy Voldemort (aka He Who Must Not be Named, aka Oh No He Didn’t). Apparently, Voldemort was pretty randy in his younger years and left a…uh…little part of himself inside seven of these WhoreCrusties…mmm hmmm.)

Along the way, Harry, Ron, & Hermoine encounter the legend of The Deathly Hallows, Three magical (surprise!) objects  given to three brothers by Death itself, played without makeup and in an unbilled cameo by Betty White (okay, not really). One of these Hallows is the Elder Wand, also known as Elderly Headmaster Dumbledore’s funstick.

Caution, you may need a diagram to figure out how the Elder Wand gets passed down from one user to the next. It’s infinitely more complicated than say, Herpes transmission.

Will Harry and the forces of good succeed in getting their Valtrex on and destroying the WhoreCrusties and the Evil Oh No He Didn’t during the epic battle of GenitalWarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? You can find out for yourself in this breathtaking, brilliantly paced, visually stunning piece of film making, sure to weave its spells on audiences everywhere.

And take my advice, don’t be cheap and spring for the extra $175 a ticket IMAX 3D thingy. It’s well worth it to experience this flick the way it was meant to be seen, with visuals that will make you flourish your wand until blindness ensues, and sound that will pop your ear drums until they hemorrhage right into your popcorn.

Now THAT’S Entertainment!

Until next time, when I keep the REELS, REAL!


Comments

as always a unique take on a film review....love me some steven dos santos reviews! as much as I loved this movie.